♫ Xin ❤
~Xin Xin World~
  


♥☆ Saturday, January 30, 2010 ; 12:41 AM ☆♥
❥{i really can't take it anymore...

Everyone is trying to ask me...


The more they ask...the more i wanna run away...


When erhem asked me on msn again...i really wanna ask a lot of things...i wanna say a lot of things that have been bottled up in me...a lot of things...a lot of confusion...but in the end...i still choose to run away...


Now on msn...everyone is asking me again...


I know they are concerned...


But i feel that...no point saying or spreading...everything swollow up...just try to swollow up...


Now at home...i still choose to run away...


Didn't talk to anyone at home at all...didn't say a single word...whether i have eaten or not...i just say yar...took some porridge and i only ate a few spoon and put away the rest...today buy mr bean i only actually just eat one tang yuan...and left the rest at the sofa area...didn't eat everything...


I guess i am just trying to slowly starve myself...or should i say...i no longer can feel anything anymore...


All i can feel is tears keep appearing now and then...but same thing...i forced them not to come out of my eyes...


I guess i will just make myself appear offline...i still wanna see everyone...but...


I will also keep myself away from everyone...i am not walling myself...i am just...i guess just...swollow everything...


For now...this will temporary be my last post...for now...


As for what will happen from now on...i will just swollow everything...


I will just keep working...complete everything...all the assignments...proposals...projects...because its my duty and job to complete them...


Somehow i just feel alone...


Really really alone...


Should i ask erhem...about some confusions i am having...


Or should i just swollow and try to somehow...think what to do...
Xin ♡




♥☆ Friday, January 29, 2010 ; 6:05 PM ☆♥
❥{my one and only place now...

Just finished hw102a tut class...


Now sitting alone at my old usual spot in spms...that hidden area with a lot of sofa...i guess thats the only place for me left in this world...not that i dun wanna go home or anything...its just...i mean just sitting here alone...i can cry as much as i can...or whatever happen...and not make anyone...my family...or my friends worried...


Just now erhem tried to ask me what happen...asking me to snap out of it...but seriously...yes i am really upset over the report problem...seriously depressed over the hall problem...and tremedously shaken by everything that has happened...but its just that...i feel...that i am not allowed to be happy...if i am happy...more unhappiness will happen...and in the end if its only me who is implicated i dun mind...but in the end the implication snowball into many ppl involved also...


After which at the bus stop for bus C, after erhem left...A.W pulled my pony tail and tried to force me to say everything out...using many sorts of "scare me" method to ask me to say everything out...but i still prefer to swollow things...and leave only some portion of what happen known to only sistah Ian and erhem...and the rest i will not say anything...in the end A.W left...feeling rather upset that i am not telling him anything...i guess B.R is also feeling the same...but i will swollow it...and i shall swollow everything...i guess thats always me...thats why before i enter uni i have always been a loner...but i guess now i should just become...i mean...i just...i guess i am trying to push everyone away...


I dunnoe why...i really dunnoe why...i am pushing everyone away...and trying to keep a brave front...to act strong...even in front of my mama...in front of my close friends...thats why i am staying alone in this place now...i dunnoe how long i will stay in this area tonite...just...i guess...just...as long as nobody sees me...but i wonder if anyone knows that i am here...i wonder...if i am all alone...in my own world...i guess nobody will know...maybe a very small part of me still hopes for somebody to know...that i existed...


Suddenly felt as if i understand what happen to the girl who jumped from amk opposite of my blk...i somehow start to understand deeply about what is happening...why it happen...and...sometime things just happen...because of long period of emotion and depression piling inside of u...and u have nowhere to pour them out...not because nobody care for u...but because u just dun wan anyone to know...or to be dragged inside...especially ur very precious family and close friends...


Just now mama called me...she said she is really worried about me...she say no matter what happen...i must be strong...she will just give anything just to get back the cheerful me...she knows that i have been saving and earning really hard to buy a nice phone and new laptop...she say as long as i am okie...mama will always be there...and she said she is seriously heartbroken when i am no longer...laughing...but instead only emoness filled my expression...at this point...i can no longer control my tears...my tears just keep on flowing down...flowing down...flowing down...but i controlled my voice...and assured mama that i will be alrite...will...be...


Many of my precious friends just now are asking me what is wrong with me...i am not me...and what happened...is it because of the lab report or is it because of anyone or anything...cos they have never seen me in such a state before...i guess i am really not good in pretending...trying to force a smile but instead more questions being asked...


My tears just can't stop flowing...my tears just can't stop...i really wanna say what happens...i really do...but in the end...it only make one more person sad...one more person worried...then whats the point...why not i just swollow everything...since i am already in this state...


Really too many things happened...too many things...i can no longer take it with a smile...or stand strong infront of darkness...i should not be happy...i should not be anywhere near happiness...cos it will only cause more unhappiness...


I always thought by just working hard...by just...persevering...everything will work out...but i guess i am just too simple-minded...


I guess i have given up on everything...the simple-mind of me have given up everything...


I no longer know where i should head for...or what i should do...i have lost sense in everything...i no longer have any idea...


I only wish that my mama and family to be really happy...and my close friends and friends to be happy also...i dun wan anyone to be sad...


I will just see how everything goes...i will still complete all my tasks on hand...and after which...


I will just...see how...
Xin ♡




♥☆ ; 1:05 PM ☆♥
❥{find no point in life anymore

Today...i finally feel that...


No matter how hard and how much i try...


In the end the results are still the same...


I guess there is no point in life anymore...


Totally no point in life...


I know there is no point in running away...


How i wish i can just sleep forever and never wake up...


Now at the usual spot when i am alone...like last time when i first enter uni...


The first spot where...a lot about myself...who i am...and other things...start to change and become clearer...


Now back at this spot...


All i can feel is the past loneliness flowing back...


Today in the lab...i tried my best to smile but in the end i still didn't manage to even just put a smile...


Making the rest of my lab members not as enthu as before..


Really i feel that if there is one less dumb me in this world...maybe it will be a even fun and nicer place...if the lab doesn't have my existence...then my lab members will be able to be more enthu...and someone will not be so exhausted because of my lab report...


Thanks for ur help again today...


Somehow as i sit here...a lot of thoughts just run through my mind...actually at the lab already many thoughts are running in my mind already...really really many thoughts...


Erhem tried to console me...thanks...i know u are trying to pull me from my emo state...but i guess...this is not just emo state...its really how much things i have caused...not only to myself...but to others...if i can just carry everything onto myself...and just fade off...maybe everything will be even happier...


Slowly fading off...i shall try to pull myself away from everyone...this should be the way i should have done...


Just fade off day by day...and become the old me again...no point holding to my current self...no point anymore...


Today is my second hw102a tut...and it shall be my last time i hear my fun laughter...


I am alone...and shall be this way...
Xin ♡




♥☆ Wednesday, January 27, 2010 ; 11:43 PM ☆♥
❥{not good with handling things...

Haiz me really is not good in handling any kind of human relationships and decision...such as friendships and so on...maybe its because of long period of being loner and isolated...and hardly get into really long friendships with anyone in the past before i enter uni...


Really sotong at such things...haiz...


And indeed is not quick-minded...always so slow poke and blur...haiz...


But haiz...today pon cbc 214 again...haizzz...have not been attending lectures for cbc 211 and cbc 214...and also maths and other lectures for the past two weeks...really lagging terribly behind...haizzz...dizzy >.<


Today also went to see doctor again for my fever...on and off...haiz...got paracetamol from the doctor for my fever and aching body...oh well...hopefully can stand still until the weekend...i guess i will soon make good friends with the doctors there le...lols...


I think going to somehow do some exercises when i recover and most importantly to buy vitamin C to eat...these few days also have been drinking a lot of water until going to become water pig soon...gosh...lols...


Today also went to career fair with Ian...oh my god...so many ppl...its like mini IT show de feeling...after which i lost my way and waited for sistah to look for me...really dizzy...


Then later at night went to eat dinner with HF and lemon...waaa...has been a long long time since i met lemon...we chatted quite a lot of many topics...ahahaha...then we went to look at the U-flea store below can A...waaa...didn't know got so many cool things...i really fall sick at the wrong time and at the wrong day...there also got sell cactus...super nice!!!! But sadly is most of the nicer looking cactus sold out le...dunnoe if tomorrow there will be restocking...wanna buy one to put in my hall and another to put at home...the cactus super cute...look like green colour roses...


And then the most attractive thing for me is hello kitty...but then need to catch from machine de...although the ppl in charge of the machine say below $10 can catch one...but then i am thinking of catching 2 below $10...one for myself and one for my sis log log...haizzz...but i think chances of getting one below $10 is not high bah...since the person say they are making loss rather than profit if that happen...and i am officially broke for this week also due to my illness that makes me run to the doctor twice...haiz...and i also forgot to "top-up" money when i went home last week...sad...now have to save money eventhough really really really wanna get that cute hello kitty wearing kimono...super super cute... >.<


Haiz...


Now trying to rush lab reports...cca proposal and also writing down some notes on what to discuss for tomorrow de hw102a meeting...wonder what will happen at tomorrow meeting...but then it is at quad without vegetarian...hmmm...hmmm...


But well...since i formed this group up...shall make this group successful...happy...and memory-filling (wonder if this is the correct way to say it...lols)...and also most importantly...fun-filling...lols...


Yup yup...
Xin ♡




♥☆ Tuesday, January 26, 2010 ; 10:05 PM ☆♥
❥{stars stars grant my wish~

Just now was at my hall de balcony chatting with mama...before that also went to eat dinner with HF...actually is me eating and HF sipping on banana milkshake...


Long time no chat with HF le...talked a lot...and also told him about my decision to be a free free de thinker le...lols


Then after which when i reach hall mama called and i went to the balcony there to chat with her while looking at the clear black sky...really really clear and nice...stars all over the sky with the half half de bright moon hanging on the black sky...and a very fade white line across the sky as if something flew past...really soothing and nice...also asked mama whether she can see moon over at home...but she said its like nothing on the sky...brown brown de sky as if its gonna rain soon...


Then mama also told me to make a wish since there are so many stars and bright moon now...wishing for my grades...wishing for happiness...and also wishing for the one and only one for me...nice...sweet and sensitive...will joke and make me laugh...and most importantly understanding and same pattern as me...mama also joked and teased me a bit...lol...no wonder its my mama...really know me...and mama also start to understand me better after my emo emo state...and no longer scold me too much le...especially about what i think...and sometime about what i emo about...instead she will tease me and joke with me...to try to make me less emo...my mama indeed is my mama... =)


Well my flu haven't really recovered...but pretty much controlled...and also the headache...but today...lols...really blur me tot that my lecture for cbc 211 was at 2.30pm but in fact it started at 1.30pm...alamak...lols...when i reached there around 2.45pm...the lecturer released us at around 3pm...=.=""...only managed to sit there for like 15 minutes or so...haizzz...


But on well...this week will be the first hw102a meeting...but we are meeting at quad to have lunch...but then...there are no food available for someone...cos there is no vegetarian store...but A.W also dun wanna change location...hmm...wonder what to do leh...


I guess just see how on thursday bah...now going to start on my tut and reports plus a bit on proposals le since my flu is temporary within control...


But sleepy~


Lols~
Xin ♡




♥☆ ; 11:32 AM ☆♥
❥{just returned...

Just returned from medical centre...and now eating my breakfast quickly to be able to take all my medications...sore throat...headache...cough...flu...inflammation...


ZzZ...dun like feeling sick...slow me down in doing what i wanna do...


Oh well...hope that i can recover fast and soon...


Now going to start on my lab report...oh gosh...those calculations...gonna be a big headache...i guess will be taking my lappy out to do the report while waiting to go for my elective...


As for now...hmm...oh yar...medications...


Lols...
Xin ♡




♥☆ ; 1:54 AM ☆♥
❥{really gg case =.=""

My flu have turn into terrible non-stop sneezing as if the nose tap spoil liao...and with combination of terrible sore throat...cough...headache and now voiceless...gosh T_T


So fast transform to such serious illness liao...and later i still have to try to sing my jap music...now i can't even make a proper sound to talk...really gg case liao...


And my hall also no medication liao...finish the very last bit of pi pa gao and now really feeling like banging myself into the wall cos the sore throat is really really painful...its like the whole throat is stuck with many needles...ouch ouch ouch T_T


And things are piling non-stop...lab reports...cca proposals...and upcoming hw102a de proposals...and in addition i have not done any readings and revision at all...i am really gone case liao...oh no...


I just hope that tonite can just be able to sleep a few hours...not because i dun wanna sleep...but because of so many things and with the terrible sore throat...whenever i lay down it feel as in the pain go deeper into the throat...really super ouch...>.<


I guess tomorrow morning de maths tutorial i have to pon again...zzz...and rite...i have not done any maths revision also...gosh...oh nooooo...this is really terrible situation for me...


Just hope that i can complete everything by wednesday...at least i can still do any edit and printing on thursday...


Shall start now...go go go! Ahhhhh...waaaaaa >.<
Xin ♡




♥☆ Monday, January 25, 2010 ; 8:24 PM ☆♥
❥{flu flu flu

Aiyayaya...bad bad flu again...haiz...


Now have used up 4 packets of tissue le...luckily brought a lot of tissuesss from home...if not will have to be like last week keep trying to prevent myself from sneezing...haizzz...


Oh well...


I guess no wonder i am emoing la...lols =X...its because i am falling sick...>.<


Hmmm...today keep following A.W...i guess he is somehow not that pissed off le...but then still keep trying to irritate me...or maybe wanna piss me off by saying all sorts of things...really really irritating...but can't blame la...since its kinda my fault in the first place... >.<


Oh well...just let him tease lor...if it will make him less pissed...but then somehow he keep mentioning whoever should not be mention in front of me...i guess on purpose de bah...really irritating...if he keep saying i am gonna bite his hand off liao =X...lols...


Woosh...1 more hour then can go back hall and nap liao...really exhausted...today also went to accompany my friends to take liang wen ying de campus concert tix...but in the end my club changed the meeting date from wednesday to thursday...so end up cannot go for the concert...i wonder who wanna go...maybe karen might wan since i remember her saying she likes liang wen ying de songs...maybe going to ask her tomorrow when i see her in class and at the same time ask her when she will be free to do lab reports together...


Okie la...now though will be working with someone for this semester...but i guess just be extremely extremely normal bah...yup...since work is work...other things is other things...no need to mix them up...


Lols...tomorrow will be the formal class for my jap music...will be sing chidorinoko...lols...lalala...lols >.<


Haaa-chooo!!!!! Oh man... =.=""


Hmmm suddenly realise one thing...that someone say ppl in his clique dun seem to be nice anymore...but then just now when i da bao food to eat with H.H...bump into them and they even called me out to say hi...hmmm...okie leh...still can hi-bye and they will still talk a bit leh...


Strange...


Ah well...i guess there will always be someone to settle his things de bah...


Yawnz...ahh...ahh...ahh...chooo!!!!!!! My gosh... =.=""


Flu flu go away...dun come near me anymore...lols >.<
Xin ♡




♥☆ ; 3:31 AM ☆♥
❥{happiness mean letting go...

Just finish watching episode 17 of 下一站, 幸福...really really a wonderful and sweet drama...a lot of what mu chen (the female character) said in previous episodes when guang xi lose his memory somehow express what i am feeling...


Had been feeling rather emo and depress during these few days...and mama also kinda know i have been emoing since i have been home on sat nite...and well...she also knew who i have eaten dinner with...she didn't scold me or anything...especially after reaching home at around 12.30am...she only show the expression like "haiz...typical jia xin...no matter what happen...no matter how hard she try...she still end up in this emo state"


Thought knowing the truth will make me feel better...but in the end did not change anything...but make me even more emo and depress...


Feel like saying something...but if i say it...not only does it not change anything but it will only make things become bad and even worst...or maybe bad and worst things will happen to me...


i guess i can only say that its more or less 有口难言 for me...as for what have been said on sat...well...50% real...50% opposite...yup...


Trying to act tough especially in front...at first wanna avoid...wanna run away...but still end up stuck here...suddenly feel like running away again...maybe i should go to other country for 1 semester exchange or something...maybe i will be able to forget in that way...i also have no idea...but in any way i still have to act strong and normal in front...maybe have to act more random and act more happy...


But in the end still can feel some regrets in my heart...about what i wanna say that time...


And still can feel the sadness that i have been trying to bury in my heart for a long time...


Sometime wonder if time turns back...if i really try to do...to try doing what i wanna do...will i really be happy...or will there be more worst to come...since that time did not manage to persuade mama...


Since time has already pass...i guess i can only 默默守候 from far away...if happiness mean letting go...i shall let go and stand far far far away...


When will this feeling and emoness ever go away...


I guess sleeping still helps...shall sleep a lot a lot...
Xin ♡




♥☆ Sunday, January 24, 2010 ; 2:50 AM ☆♥
❥{confused...

Thanks for the really really late birthday ice cream gift...really really late...but still thank you...=)


Also did a lot of thinking also just now...although talk a lot...and everything that has piled up also talk liao...but some of the things still couldn't really say...i guess this is something i have to think and face alone bah...since i am always so blur...and especially...well...can only say some words are hard to say now...especially now...i will just keep it in my heart forever...


Will i regret...well...what has pass has already pass...time cannot move backward...so moving forward...have to learn to accept everything...no matter what happen...this is what i have to learn...


Although a slight feeling of regrets are there...lingering around...


But i guess this is something i have to find out by myself slowly bah...how to ask...as in...yar lor...some stuff related to what i should believe in...after so many things that have happened...around me...i really wonder whether i am on the right track in belief...or should i just become a free thinker...


Well just now just edited my facebook de info...


Its like...i am so shaky in my belief now...its really confusing at times...just now also asked mama what if i become a free thinker or decide to believe in other path...in the past if its last year mama would object...very strongly object in fact...and a lot of quarrel would just explode out...but now mama just say to do what i wan to do bah...since its my decision afterall...


But its still really confusing for me...


Maybe after thinking twice...thinking about everything...i guess i will become a free thinker...until one day i finally find a path that i can walk onto without shaking so much...and everything are smooth and happy...


Will i be able to find this path...will i be able to find the one i wan...
Xin ♡




♥☆ Saturday, January 23, 2010 ; 1:28 PM ☆♥
❥{can everything be the same?

I wonder...

Can everything be the same again...the same fun...the same style of fighting...

Will everything be same?

Or everything will be different forever...

Yesterday lab and hw102a...but well...i tried to act normal...way too normal...but in the end...well...lots of internal conflicts thing happen...and A.W got kinda pissed off...and walk off liao...

I mean...yes i am not firm...indecisive...random...and most importantly not strong enough to face things i have to face...

Just want all my good friends to be in the same group...to have fun together...all my buddies in the same group...to work together...and talk crap together...but how come its like very hard like that...

But i find that i am really not the cold person...its hard to turn into someone cold...like sistah say...be cold and scary...but i really not able to turn myself into that person...it only makes me more feel like being loner...outcast...since being cold means not to have any emotion...

But...

Will everything be normal again...?

Or will i continue to act in this way...trying to be cold...

Does it help if i do that...

What do i wan...

I just wanna be happier...and everyone to be happy...

Is it that difficult?

I really have no idea...

Now A.W. is pissed off...

And me and "erhem" are in the stage of tension...

What is going on...the more i wish for happiness and peace...the more bad things start to happen...

Maybe i should just outcast myself...

Or i just isolate myself...this way i will not wish for anything...that way nothing will go wrong...and everyone will be happy...

But do i really wan to do this?

What do i wan...

Simply just happy...normal...and fun...

But i guess its hard to get this simple hope bah...

Well...just hope that everything will be better as time goes by...

Hope that everything will be how it is few weeks back...no...1.5 years ago...

Will it be?

Will everything be the same again?

But after thinking twice...i will still stick with the decision i made last nite...i am firmer now...much firmer...i believe they will understand...i will just firmly tell them next week...and whatever happen i will just accept and deal with it...after all...i still have a lot to learn...and i will learn to deal with it alone...i will not regret with the decision that i have made...

I believe whatever happen is something i need to learn...or maybe God is telling me to do what my heart wan to do...instead of just running away or hiding like how i used to do in the past whenever something happen...i will just hide somewhere...and just keep crying non-stop...in a dark black corner...

Maybe things will get better...if i work hard...

Jiayou Jiayou...
Xin ♡




♥☆ Tuesday, January 19, 2010 ; 2:36 AM ☆♥
❥{hope that i can get the UE...

Mama called at around 10+ last nite...telling me about grandfather's condition...and also some conflicts between the relatives due to his illness...like what i have predicted might happen and like most tv drama always shows...


Well...I just tell my mum not to bend down to whatever happen...but to follow her heart...to show her love for her father no matter what happen...If really in the case when grandfather is being pushed around...i will try my best to find more jobs to be able to send him to a good recuperation centre so as to let him rest comfortably and with proper and more professional care by the nurses there...


To be able to treasure the people around us...i think is the most important thing of all...not to let any chances slip by...recently heard about what happen to HF's grandfather...that his grandfather has passed away in thailand...make me realise how easy it is to lost someone...but how hard to be able to get the someone back...for they might leave forever...


Somehow i am glad that i can be by mama's side and grandfather's side through such difficult period...helping them in small ways here and there...helping them to translate whenever possible when they need to talk to the doctors...and to prevent any kind of people from trying to lie to them because of the fact that they does not know a lot of thing...haiz this is a pretty complicated and long story...but well...being able to help in any ways...and to encourage them...i guess this is the only thing i can do...to help lessen the little burdens that might be piling...


This makes me even more confirmed of one thing...that i might be minoring in translation...not because of sudden interest...but because i feel...that learning translation can perhaps help mama and grandfather to translate if there are any english speaking people who are talking to them...and i feel that its getting more important to me...since i feel that i am getting a bit retarded with chinese...my favourite subject...after i stop learning chinese since i enter poly...


Tomorrow will be trying my best to persuade and to get my translation module...hopefully can clear one or two module so as to be able to get a minor before i graduate...lols...i guess tomorrow might either be a dramatic scene whereby i will be trying to persuade the person-in-charge...or it might be a hilarious scene whereby i will be grabbing onto the person's leg...not letting go unless they gave me a module...lols...


Well...i guess this is the side effect of not being able to get any UE to be able to get on track and to get what i want to do...


Lols... >.<


So JiaYou tomorrow...i guess i will go and sleep now...lols...gosh...supposed to be revising but end up watching 下一站，幸福...a very nice show also...hmm...will talk a bit about it after the whole series end...


JiaYou!!!! Nitesss!!! =)
Xin ♡




♥☆ Saturday, January 16, 2010 ; 9:43 PM ☆♥
❥{one year older~

Today is my birthday...


Wanna wish myself a very happy birthday~ one year old old older~ lols...


Hmmm nothing much happen today also...another sleeping day...at first going to visit both of my grandparents (my father and mother side)...cos my grandmother (father's mother)...got slight stroke on 14th Jan...so going to visit her today...but then my grandmother called and said she is okie le and has gone home...no need to go hospital le...but then...my grandfather (mother's father)...at first going to visit him at his home...but then he got readmitted into the hospital because of inflammation and other complications...gosh...must be really painful...


Well...


The only person who remembered my birthday first is someone i just knew through facebook...and he also gave a birthday present...super super sweet of him:





Sometime is very weird...as in...people i knew for long dunnoe its my birthday...whereas people i just knew remembered my birthday all the time...its not really about my birthday or anything...its just how different it is...but feel really happy to receive a birthday present =)


Things are so unpredictable...


Oh well...


Now i will go and eat my dinner now...later eating the chocolate cake mama bought...


Lalala~~~ Happy Birthday to myself~~~~ =)
Xin ♡




♥☆ Friday, January 15, 2010 ; 12:41 AM ☆♥
❥{oh no...i miss my appeal...sobbbb

Oh my gosh...oh my tian...oh my god!!!!!! >.<


I just realise...that i miss the date for appeal...oh no...why am i so blur until i mix up the appeal date...oh my gosh...oh my gosh...i thought it was 15th jan end...but in the end just now when i check...its 13th jan 10 pm end...which is like...two days ago...nooooo...my HT102...nooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! Sobzzzz


I am really really dunnoe what to say already...really really blur to the extreme...hopeless le...oh my tian...i miss the important appeal date for my HT102...now it will be gone forever...sobzzz~~~~


Tomorrow...i wonder if anyone still remembers...16th Jan...


Well...i guess it will be me alone again...like always...


Oh well...used to it le bah...


Maybe just slightly hope that someone might still remember...


Now really pray hard that i can succeed for later de audition for band...and manage to get in...dunnoe if my past experience with chinese orchestra helps....


Oh well...jiayou jiayou to myself for my audition later...and pray hard that i can get in...really wanna get into a music elective... >.<
Xin ♡




♥☆ Thursday, January 14, 2010 ; 1:37 AM ☆♥
❥{i love my life...its not me...lols =.=""

Two days ago my friend send me a sms saying:


A NTU gal jumped from amk, r.i.p and take care....


I was like...har? what? why u curse me...lols...i dun even know u well...my gosh...=.=""...


Then later on know from my family that a ntu gal opposite of my flat jumped, aiya...no wonder that guy sms me...but then why r.i.p...zzz...i am always peaceful...no need to rest in peace...and i love my life...lols...and i wanna state again...i am alive!!!!! its not me who jumped...zzz =.=""


But life is so unpredictable...


Really is so unpredictable...


And the gal live really near my house somemore...opposite or something i think...haiz...my friend just now send me her facebook profile...she is quite good looking...its really a pity...and the way she smiles...really can't tell...i guess behind the smile...there are a lot of sadness that can't be told...


Suddenly just felt as if can understand...stress from school work...peer pressure...or just feeling lonely...or relationship pressure...we can never see from that smile...and always thought that that person is cheerful...but however...behind the cheerfulness...it might not be really that cheerful...


Haiz...fortunately i am still alive...i love my life...though have to admit when i am really down...really really down at certain points...also thought of many suicidal methods...but fortunately managed to overcome it...hopefully i can continue to fight against the dark with a smile...


But sometime really dark cloud can cover the whole of my head...recalling the terrible times in my sec...really feel like just jump off from my house...so that i dun have to face the misery day after day without stopping...even when i enter my poly...its like...no matter where i go...its always the same...


When i enter uni...sometime also have these negative thoughts...especially when unhappiness happen...or really upsetting or depressing things happen...it just make me have those negative thoughts...but well...


I always tell myself...if i were to give up now...i will be giving up the past 21 years i have been struggling and fighting for...the things that i wanna target to fulfill will also be erased if i were to do those negative things...well...my characteristic is somewhere like those who always bu gan xin...as in...i am bu gan xin that all these while no matter how hard i try...or how much i wanna escape or avoid from...thats why i wanna live the fullest...i wanna fulfill all my dreams and targets....all the things that i have dream and planned for...so i am not gonna give up my life...thats what i always tell myself to push me forward...to go on and on and on no matter what happen...


But as can be seen from such incident...


Life is really unpredictable...and we really cannot judge people from their face...cos behind every expression there might be another true expression hidden behind...a smile...might be covering a face full of tears...and maybe today we might see this person laughing and joking, and chit chatting with u or walking with u...and maybe tomorrow this person might be gone forever...


We should really treasure everyone around us...our family...our friends...everyone...cos we will never know what happen today or tomorrow...just like what happen to my grandfather few weeks back...but now he is resting at his house...still very weak...but recovering slowly...thank God...


Never give up on the one and only life that God has given us...its the only life that we can truly feel and learn...to know and understand...to feel...and to express...


To everyone and myself...Jiayou Jiayou!!!! Treasure everyone around u!!!!
Xin ♡




♥☆ Monday, January 11, 2010 ; 1:51 AM ☆♥
❥{sch today

Later will be the start of school...start of semester two...a new semester...new experience...and fresh start for me (i guess...lols)...


Hopefully this semester will be a better one for me...less nightmares...more happiness...less randomness...more focus...less blurness...more confident...


My new year dreams and resolutions:

- get better grades and gpa this semester...hopefully above 3 if possible (or even better...3.5...lols)

- can get my 2 UEs that i will be going for an interview and audition this week...

- pass mas 182

- be smarter...(i really hope so...lols)

- less emo...more happy...

- everyone i care for is happy...

- hope that this week...something nice will happen...especially on 16th jan...(dunnoe if anyone knows...)

- forget unhappiness...look forward to happiness...

- forget whoever ding dong that makes me troubled or unhappy all the time...and look forward to making new friends...

- able to be brave even if meet or bump into that person..."him"...during lectures...or even lab or hw102a...and not get affected by anything...just ignore...and just treat as stranger...and be normal...and not afraid or emo...

- more confidence...think faster... >.<

- hopefully something happy and new this semester will happen...

- and finally hopefully can know someone nice...sweet...sincere...helpful...a bit handsome and good-looking...slightly taller...good at wearing clothes and know how to wear good look good...fun and funny...know how to joke...know how to bicker a bit...honest and sensitive...who i can hang out with for long long long time...term...u know...not the friend friend sibling kind...lols =P



Hopefully all my dreams and resolutions can come true =)


Sweet dreams~ =)
Xin ♡




♥☆ Friday, January 8, 2010 ; 11:25 AM ☆♥
❥{feeling really helpless....

Feeling really helpless...really really helpless...


And in extreme state of confusion...have no idea what to do or how to do...


Feeling really lost...feeling really really alone...as if i am drowning in the big sea...with a heavy rock on top of me...isolated from the whole world...nobody notice me...nobody notice that i have been crashed by a rock and is drowning...and really need a helping hand...to just pull me from the big sea...or just being there...


Feeling really dark...feeling really cold...


Eventhough...feeling really down...but i could not show it out...especially to my family or friends...now working at the counter...but i still have to smile to the visitors and the staff eventhough i am really depressed...i can only swollow down the sadness...and put a smile for them...


At the end of the day...in hall...on the bus...everything still seems to have no way out...i am really feeling helpless and hopeless...


My sis has problem with her course now...and she wanted to transfer...but in the process there is some complication involved...


But i am the one who helped her to register...feeling really guilty and responsible for not being able to help her choose her course correctly...i should have go around each schools in choa chu kang, macpherson, bukit batok, baslestier...ang mo kio...simei...yishun...bishan and so on...to look at their courses and trainings before helping her to register...now with the complications involved...really feel guilty and responsible for it...and there might also be possiblity that she will be withdrawn from the course...


I am also going jobless soon...cos of my stupid time-table...with one hour here and there...my supervisor is unable to help me put in a slot for me to work...cos normally its like 4 hours straight in a row due to incoming visitors and staff...so have to be at the counter all the time...but now with the ridiculous time-table...i can no longer work...haizzz...


Now i have roughly know what PE/UE i will be given...and i can't take that PE because of the exam dates...everything are just tightly squeeze together with the core modules...26th of Apr is cbc 211, 27th is mas 182, 28th is that PE, 29th is cbc 216...everything is just tightly packed together which is impossible for me based on what happen last sem...and no UE is given to me...feeling really empty next sem...and now without job...what should i do...


And then just wanna let my steam off...wanted to play facebook games...but then my workplace de comp cannot play games cos no flashplayer being downloaded on the comp...so just went around surfing the facebook...and then saw someone's picture which i dun really wanna see...and his status now...yar that person...and somehow got some sour sour feeling...and somehow increases my level of emoness...already decided to treat him as invisible le...and wanna forget everything le...why still have that sour sour feeling...thats really so me...dumb and...yar really dumb to the extreme...trying to knock myself awake...i dunnoe him...and he dunnoe me...and me is just me...nothing else...thats what i just have to tell myself...i believe i can do this...so long le...things pass le...moving on...no matter what happen...just move on...


Maybe i should try to accept others...maybe...trying to forget everything...me is just me...or i should just stay alone...me is just me...nothing else...even if i see him next sem in hw102a or other lectures...just nothing...he is just someone i dunnoe...someone i dun care...someone i heck care...no need to feel sour over his status now...heck care...dun care...


Gosh...now confirm bonkers le...lols...i guess for the whole month of holiday including the weeks i am having my wisdom tooth surgery i also didn't really rest...cos things are just piling up and keep coming non-stop...


Well...i just do what i can...and just work hard for next sem...


As for the other things...i just let fate come its way...everything just let nature take its course...


Haizzz...
Xin ♡




♥☆ Friday, January 1, 2010 ; 8:06 PM ☆♥
❥{new day...hopefully a brand new moment...

Just finished watching 2012 just now...waaa...its really a super duper nice movie...hmmm wonder how come some of my friends say its not that nice...its really nice nice lor...ahahaha...


And today is the first day of 2010...new year...new day...and hopefully new moment and new experience...approaching a new sem also...will be making new friends with lab and hw102a...and hope for a happier year and of cos better results... >.<


Tomorrow will be a busy day...will be visiting my grandfather in the morning until afternoon...after that will rush over to my grandmother's place to celebrate my grandmother's birthday (my father's mother)...woosh...really busy busy...but fulfilling cos both of them i haven't really see for a long time and hope to make them really happy =)


Will go off now to watch tv...ahahaha...have been stuffing myself with food until kinda bloated le...ahahaha...dunnoe why keep feeling hungry... =X


Wish everyone a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! =)=) SMILE ALWAYS EVERYONE!!!!! =) =)
Xin ♡




♥☆ ; 12:34 AM ☆♥
❥{its a brand new year...but a depressing mood...

Its a brand new year...2009 has pass and 2010 has arrived...


But I'm still in super depressing mood eventhough try to hide it...or try to tell myself that its okie...but somehow its like...very though to hide it though...its a brand new year...but with a depressing mood...brand new year doesn't seem happy for me...its like another year of stress...and also uncertainty...


Last nite slept really early...at around 9.30 pm...then at around 2 am...my mum told me a devastating news...that my grandfather had cancer in his intestine and will be going for operation on monday...its really one devastating news after another...my mood just go from upset to depress and now to undescribable emoness...


Eventhough i hardly see my grandfather (my mum's de father)...but he is really a friendly, kind and always smiling 80+ old man...due to distance it makes it more difficult to visit him...always wanted to visit him this year but keep putting it off due to my school schedule and also my mum is also not free...but now feel really sad that i should visit him earlier...


This saturday will be visiting him and my grandmother also...(my mother's side de...hmmm actually have no idea is there any difference between the naming for my mum's and my father de parents)...my mum was telling me that when she told my grandfather that we will be visiting him this weekend, he keep smiling and laughing...which makes me even sadder...cos i should have visited him earlier...let him laugh even more...this weekend will definitely talk a lot with him...


Life is really unpredictable...eventhough life is like a cycle...but we will never know what will happen today or tomorrow...really have to treasure everyone around us...because we can only live once...


I wonder what i should bring when i visit my grandfather...and what he usually like to eat...


I guess i will go and sleep now...lols...didn't really countdown just now...not really in the mood...(and my sis was screaming and counting down at the living room just now...suddenly scream...shock me off my chair...lols...)...


Haiz...emooo...sleepy~~~
Xin ♡