♫ Xin ❤
~Xin Xin World~
  


♥☆ Friday, January 29, 2010 ; 6:05 PM ☆♥
❥{my one and only place now...

Just finished hw102a tut class...


Now sitting alone at my old usual spot in spms...that hidden area with a lot of sofa...i guess thats the only place for me left in this world...not that i dun wanna go home or anything...its just...i mean just sitting here alone...i can cry as much as i can...or whatever happen...and not make anyone...my family...or my friends worried...


Just now erhem tried to ask me what happen...asking me to snap out of it...but seriously...yes i am really upset over the report problem...seriously depressed over the hall problem...and tremedously shaken by everything that has happened...but its just that...i feel...that i am not allowed to be happy...if i am happy...more unhappiness will happen...and in the end if its only me who is implicated i dun mind...but in the end the implication snowball into many ppl involved also...


After which at the bus stop for bus C, after erhem left...A.W pulled my pony tail and tried to force me to say everything out...using many sorts of "scare me" method to ask me to say everything out...but i still prefer to swollow things...and leave only some portion of what happen known to only sistah Ian and erhem...and the rest i will not say anything...in the end A.W left...feeling rather upset that i am not telling him anything...i guess B.R is also feeling the same...but i will swollow it...and i shall swollow everything...i guess thats always me...thats why before i enter uni i have always been a loner...but i guess now i should just become...i mean...i just...i guess i am trying to push everyone away...


I dunnoe why...i really dunnoe why...i am pushing everyone away...and trying to keep a brave front...to act strong...even in front of my mama...in front of my close friends...thats why i am staying alone in this place now...i dunnoe how long i will stay in this area tonite...just...i guess...just...as long as nobody sees me...but i wonder if anyone knows that i am here...i wonder...if i am all alone...in my own world...i guess nobody will know...maybe a very small part of me still hopes for somebody to know...that i existed...


Suddenly felt as if i understand what happen to the girl who jumped from amk opposite of my blk...i somehow start to understand deeply about what is happening...why it happen...and...sometime things just happen...because of long period of emotion and depression piling inside of u...and u have nowhere to pour them out...not because nobody care for u...but because u just dun wan anyone to know...or to be dragged inside...especially ur very precious family and close friends...


Just now mama called me...she said she is really worried about me...she say no matter what happen...i must be strong...she will just give anything just to get back the cheerful me...she knows that i have been saving and earning really hard to buy a nice phone and new laptop...she say as long as i am okie...mama will always be there...and she said she is seriously heartbroken when i am no longer...laughing...but instead only emoness filled my expression...at this point...i can no longer control my tears...my tears just keep on flowing down...flowing down...flowing down...but i controlled my voice...and assured mama that i will be alrite...will...be...


Many of my precious friends just now are asking me what is wrong with me...i am not me...and what happened...is it because of the lab report or is it because of anyone or anything...cos they have never seen me in such a state before...i guess i am really not good in pretending...trying to force a smile but instead more questions being asked...


My tears just can't stop flowing...my tears just can't stop...i really wanna say what happens...i really do...but in the end...it only make one more person sad...one more person worried...then whats the point...why not i just swollow everything...since i am already in this state...


Really too many things happened...too many things...i can no longer take it with a smile...or stand strong infront of darkness...i should not be happy...i should not be anywhere near happiness...cos it will only cause more unhappiness...


I always thought by just working hard...by just...persevering...everything will work out...but i guess i am just too simple-minded...


I guess i have given up on everything...the simple-mind of me have given up everything...


I no longer know where i should head for...or what i should do...i have lost sense in everything...i no longer have any idea...


I only wish that my mama and family to be really happy...and my close friends and friends to be happy also...i dun wan anyone to be sad...


I will just see how everything goes...i will still complete all my tasks on hand...and after which...


I will just...see how...
Xin ♡